My beau is bi-polar. While most people would consider this a negative thing, especially when first two husbands were bipolar as well (yet, they were also very physically and emotionally abusive). One of the first things we discussed early on in our relationship was that, if he wished to continue to see me, he must focus upon taking medication for the bipolar diagnosis. To this date, he has been very focused upon doing so, although he wasn't during the first part of our relationship. It makes so much of a difference if a bipolar person is taking their medications.
Even though he takes his medications and is improving on his stability ten fold since the beginning of our relationship almost two years ago, he still has extra energy when he comes to my home. Additionally, he wants to take care of me and says he's super strong (and he is -- one time he lifted a really heavy couch that I could barely move with the ease of superman) so he asks that I leave things for him to do around here. So, with the discovery of my yellow sticky notes on my Windows 7 OS, I leave notes for him on a HONEY DO note that are some things I would love to get done around here, especially ones that I cannot do with ease because I don't have the strength in my arms and/or I am so much shorter than him.
It has been wonderful to utilize his high energy moments to the benefit of things that need to be done around here. It isn't every day that you have a man around that offers to follow a HONEY DO LIST. :) I remember. in past relationships and from talking to others, that most people would love to find a person that could be a team member in their relationship. I feel so fortunate to have found such a person. :D
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Communcation - Listening Skills
Key to any relationship is there listening skills, which is a vital part of the communication skills needed to make a successful relationship. Without good communication and/or listening skills, a relationship is surely destined to doom. If you see yours heading in the direction of lack of communication and/or listening skills, one should get up and walk away now. Trouble is many folks will stick it out, even with it being a vital red flag, and attempt to persevere because of so many other good factors; however, eventually, this will be their downfall and soon they will be trying to go to couples counseling to salvage their relationship/marriage, depending upon how long they let it go on.
My beau, however, on my 50th birthday (a very significant birthday to not miss out upon) last year, bought me a piano. Well, it was a keyboard, but indeed a very thoughtful gift. I had mentioned to him that it had been about 30 years since I had played the piano (which I had played the piano for about 15 years prior that) when around his musically inclined family -- those who played guitars and keyboards themselves, as well as sang. I really had missed playing and SOMEDAY I was indeed going to get a piano one of these days. I was really itching to buy a used one, at the very least, but needed to find one that wasn't so big that it took up much more space than my apartment could handle; in fact, unbeknown to him, I had already begun shopping around for one. Fortunately his surprise of giving me the keyboard arrived on my birthday, before I had a chance to go down to purchase one myself. I was thissssss close to doing so!
This was a pivotal point in our relationship. It wasn't so much the material object of the keyboard, complete with all the attachments excepting the pedal, but the entire thought process behind it. He had listened! and surprised me with how well he had listened. I know that none of my boyfriends or husbands in my past 30 years had ever demonstrated this so well.
The card that he gave me read:
Because it's your birthday,
I wanted to do something
really special to show you
how much I love you.
I could list all your great qualities --
your fun personality, your sexiness,
your honesty, and your thoughtfulness.
But that's not enough.
No, you need to know how many times
I think about your smile,
how many times in an ordinary day
I catch myself wishing
I could be in your arms,
or how many times
my heart does a little dance
at just the sound of your voice.
The truth is -- I can't think
of the perfect way
to show my love for you
But a good way to start
might be to give you a kiss
for every candle on your cake.
But be warned!
Once I start...
I might not ever want to stop.
~ Linda Lee Elrod
and then he added in his own handwriting to the Hallmark card:
"I'm a very lucky
man that gets to
celebrate your
birthday with you,
Angel.
Love,
Your Smiling Cowboy
xoxoxo"
Need I really say anything more as my heart feels butterflies everytime I think about how generous he had been and how well he demonstrated that he was listening to me in our relationship. He isn't perfect though. Sometimes I find that he talks over me around his family (they have such a large family that, if you don't, you might not be heard at times) and I find myself repeating things to him because he hadn't heard me the first time around; however, for the most part, he demonstrates time and time again how well he does listen. My birthday gift was just a meaningful thoughtfulness to it that I will never ever forget; if the shoes were on your foot, would you?
My beau, however, on my 50th birthday (a very significant birthday to not miss out upon) last year, bought me a piano. Well, it was a keyboard, but indeed a very thoughtful gift. I had mentioned to him that it had been about 30 years since I had played the piano (which I had played the piano for about 15 years prior that) when around his musically inclined family -- those who played guitars and keyboards themselves, as well as sang. I really had missed playing and SOMEDAY I was indeed going to get a piano one of these days. I was really itching to buy a used one, at the very least, but needed to find one that wasn't so big that it took up much more space than my apartment could handle; in fact, unbeknown to him, I had already begun shopping around for one. Fortunately his surprise of giving me the keyboard arrived on my birthday, before I had a chance to go down to purchase one myself. I was thissssss close to doing so!
This was a pivotal point in our relationship. It wasn't so much the material object of the keyboard, complete with all the attachments excepting the pedal, but the entire thought process behind it. He had listened! and surprised me with how well he had listened. I know that none of my boyfriends or husbands in my past 30 years had ever demonstrated this so well.
The card that he gave me read:
I wanted to do something
really special to show you
how much I love you.
I could list all your great qualities --
your fun personality, your sexiness,
your honesty, and your thoughtfulness.
But that's not enough.
No, you need to know how many times
I think about your smile,
how many times in an ordinary day
I catch myself wishing
I could be in your arms,
or how many times
my heart does a little dance
at just the sound of your voice.
The truth is -- I can't think
of the perfect way
to show my love for you
But a good way to start
might be to give you a kiss
for every candle on your cake.
But be warned!
Once I start...
I might not ever want to stop.
~ Linda Lee Elrod
and then he added in his own handwriting to the Hallmark card:
man that gets to
celebrate your
birthday with you,
Angel.
Love,
Your Smiling Cowboy
xoxoxo"
Need I really say anything more as my heart feels butterflies everytime I think about how generous he had been and how well he demonstrated that he was listening to me in our relationship. He isn't perfect though. Sometimes I find that he talks over me around his family (they have such a large family that, if you don't, you might not be heard at times) and I find myself repeating things to him because he hadn't heard me the first time around; however, for the most part, he demonstrates time and time again how well he does listen. My birthday gift was just a meaningful thoughtfulness to it that I will never ever forget; if the shoes were on your foot, would you?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Atypical Needs
One thing that has hindered me from a long term relationship since 2004 surrounded my car accident on February 1, 2004, that resulted in a lifetime condition called Lymphdema. In my case, the lymphedema spring boarded from the action of my knees hitting the steering wheel in my '92 Chevrolet Blazer.
I was able to get some treatment for it through the Lymphedema and Wound Clinic at North Austin Hospital in Austin, Texas; that is, I got treatment so long as I was able to get a charity grant since I didn't have any health insurance at the time, which was only for about 10-12 treatments. They trained me on self lymphatic massage techniques, as well as wrapping my legs with many rolls of compression bandages. What helped me in the future was also being granted a pump just for the calves through the Bio Compression System that offered circulating lymphatic fluids for an hour or so each day.
One of the key things to do when you have lymphedema conditions is to make sure that the limbs (whether it is in your legs or in your arms) is to elevate those limbs. It can be difficult to do in many jobs though; however, when I was working at a shelter and later at a domestic violence hotline, accomodations weren't necessarily afforded me as folks didn't see my condition as a disability of sorts. Many were quite uneducated about the condition, partly because there was still so little real information out there about the condition. I had even contacted a disability non-profit program called Advocacy Inc and they were even less supportive about me needing to be accomodated at work for my condition. I was shocked.
By the time that it was 2008 though, my condition progressed to such a severe case with pressure wounds increasing from 1/4 inch - 2 inches wide and getting deeper to where you could see the fatty tissue beneath the skin. Because of the pre-existing policies for health insurance, I knew that I couldn't go anywhere for treatment within 12 months in getting on a medical insurance policy. If anyone had written anything in their records about the lymphedema condition, I wouldn't be covered under the policy because it would then be construed as a pre-existing condition. While it was diagnosed in 2004 and I received treatment from the end of 2004 to the beginning of 2005, I had no money to see a doctor for continued treatment. Fortunately, I was finally offered a full time position, which entitled me finally to a medical insurance policy, in June 2008. After 30 days, in my fulltime position, my insurance policy went into effect and it was 2 days after it became into effect, I started my pursuit of treatment of the lymphedema, wherein I was referred to the HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital's Lymphedema Wound Clinic for treatment. Finally, I was able to get some help.
This was the same May/June/July that was the initial part of our relationship. Although he might not admit it, I am sure that this is one of the contributing factors to him holding off seeing me until October when he also came about to knowing that I was finally getting treatment and getting the necessary health care that I so needed for my very existence. Not only was I getting treatment for the lymphedema condition though, I was also diagnosed with and began treatments for Osteopenia. For most folks looking for a long term relationship, it would be understandable that they would not want to commit to the relationship.
Perhaps, though, one of the reasons that he didn't run away from me, especially after his birthday party in October, was that he himself had some conditions himself that might hinder someone likewise to have a relationship with him. For example, when he was 4 years old, he was riding a bike along a sidewalk when a 12 yr old was driving their drunk parent home and ran up on the sidewalk and ran over him. He probably shouldn't have survived from that, but he did. Later, his aunt accidently ran over him as well. He had though the support of a tight knit family (filled of love and care from his 9 brothers and sisters), he survived his head injury and was a very functional person in society from critical and severe injuries. He was very lucky to have his family, as well as some very strong bones. In high school, he was a vital team member on their football team. Later, his college education was interrupted by the need of him needing to take care of his Mom until she died. At her death, he took it hard and had to learn how to move forward with his life, a life that had been previously dedicated towards taking care of his Mom with her ailments.
It was hard for me, initially, to accept help from him -- as I had been fighting my condition for 4 years already on my own. As soon as I let him help me, I came soon to realize how truly caring of an individual he was and began to love him all that much more. He was determined though and I have grown to appreciate his very caring nature to help me manage my lymphedema condition, especially to the point that it isn't near the problem now than it was even better than a year ago.
Patience can be a great thing in a relationship. Too, the allowing of each other to help one another's weaknesses can be a huge lesson in allowing someone else into their lives, as well as exercising a bit of humility, similar to the story in the Bible where they washed each others feet.
Having atypical needs (needs that might not be found in everyone else's relationship) has brought us closer to one another as we get the opportunity to experience caring for one another at another level that a typical couple may not have to even remotely experience -- especially on a long term basis (not just taking care of one another because they are ill for a couple of weeks).
For a while in our relationship though, I was resistant because I didn't want to love him just because he was helping me by physically caring for me as well as motivating me for improving my own health care emotionally. There were other things that I loved about him the more I got to know him and soon realized that my love is genuine for him and not just his acts of kindness towards me.
I was able to get some treatment for it through the Lymphedema and Wound Clinic at North Austin Hospital in Austin, Texas; that is, I got treatment so long as I was able to get a charity grant since I didn't have any health insurance at the time, which was only for about 10-12 treatments. They trained me on self lymphatic massage techniques, as well as wrapping my legs with many rolls of compression bandages. What helped me in the future was also being granted a pump just for the calves through the Bio Compression System that offered circulating lymphatic fluids for an hour or so each day.
One of the key things to do when you have lymphedema conditions is to make sure that the limbs (whether it is in your legs or in your arms) is to elevate those limbs. It can be difficult to do in many jobs though; however, when I was working at a shelter and later at a domestic violence hotline, accomodations weren't necessarily afforded me as folks didn't see my condition as a disability of sorts. Many were quite uneducated about the condition, partly because there was still so little real information out there about the condition. I had even contacted a disability non-profit program called Advocacy Inc and they were even less supportive about me needing to be accomodated at work for my condition. I was shocked.
By the time that it was 2008 though, my condition progressed to such a severe case with pressure wounds increasing from 1/4 inch - 2 inches wide and getting deeper to where you could see the fatty tissue beneath the skin. Because of the pre-existing policies for health insurance, I knew that I couldn't go anywhere for treatment within 12 months in getting on a medical insurance policy. If anyone had written anything in their records about the lymphedema condition, I wouldn't be covered under the policy because it would then be construed as a pre-existing condition. While it was diagnosed in 2004 and I received treatment from the end of 2004 to the beginning of 2005, I had no money to see a doctor for continued treatment. Fortunately, I was finally offered a full time position, which entitled me finally to a medical insurance policy, in June 2008. After 30 days, in my fulltime position, my insurance policy went into effect and it was 2 days after it became into effect, I started my pursuit of treatment of the lymphedema, wherein I was referred to the HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital's Lymphedema Wound Clinic for treatment. Finally, I was able to get some help.
This was the same May/June/July that was the initial part of our relationship. Although he might not admit it, I am sure that this is one of the contributing factors to him holding off seeing me until October when he also came about to knowing that I was finally getting treatment and getting the necessary health care that I so needed for my very existence. Not only was I getting treatment for the lymphedema condition though, I was also diagnosed with and began treatments for Osteopenia. For most folks looking for a long term relationship, it would be understandable that they would not want to commit to the relationship.
Perhaps, though, one of the reasons that he didn't run away from me, especially after his birthday party in October, was that he himself had some conditions himself that might hinder someone likewise to have a relationship with him. For example, when he was 4 years old, he was riding a bike along a sidewalk when a 12 yr old was driving their drunk parent home and ran up on the sidewalk and ran over him. He probably shouldn't have survived from that, but he did. Later, his aunt accidently ran over him as well. He had though the support of a tight knit family (filled of love and care from his 9 brothers and sisters), he survived his head injury and was a very functional person in society from critical and severe injuries. He was very lucky to have his family, as well as some very strong bones. In high school, he was a vital team member on their football team. Later, his college education was interrupted by the need of him needing to take care of his Mom until she died. At her death, he took it hard and had to learn how to move forward with his life, a life that had been previously dedicated towards taking care of his Mom with her ailments.
It was hard for me, initially, to accept help from him -- as I had been fighting my condition for 4 years already on my own. As soon as I let him help me, I came soon to realize how truly caring of an individual he was and began to love him all that much more. He was determined though and I have grown to appreciate his very caring nature to help me manage my lymphedema condition, especially to the point that it isn't near the problem now than it was even better than a year ago.
Patience can be a great thing in a relationship. Too, the allowing of each other to help one another's weaknesses can be a huge lesson in allowing someone else into their lives, as well as exercising a bit of humility, similar to the story in the Bible where they washed each others feet.
Having atypical needs (needs that might not be found in everyone else's relationship) has brought us closer to one another as we get the opportunity to experience caring for one another at another level that a typical couple may not have to even remotely experience -- especially on a long term basis (not just taking care of one another because they are ill for a couple of weeks).
For a while in our relationship though, I was resistant because I didn't want to love him just because he was helping me by physically caring for me as well as motivating me for improving my own health care emotionally. There were other things that I loved about him the more I got to know him and soon realized that my love is genuine for him and not just his acts of kindness towards me.
Rushing Into a Relationship
One thing that we learn as advocates in the domestic violence field is that, if a person you are dating rushes into a committed relationship really fast, you should turn and run away because, oftentimes, this person knows that their true colors will unfold soon and, if you aren't committed to them, you will run fast. At least, if you are committed to them (especially via a marriage), you will think twice about running -- after all what will your friends and family think after just having attended your "magical" and "whirlwind romance" wedding?
When I met my beau online, the pace was going good. We talked through the dating matching site called PLENTY OF FISH for several weeks, then we made that date. We went to Red Lobster for dinner. He was sooo very nervous. I don't think I have ever made anyone that nervous before. We then went to the Arboretum Park where the ducks were on that summer evening and watched the ducks and geese waddle around in and out of the water that sported some lit spouting fountains. It was beautiful and we had plenty of time to talk one on one out of the way of an environment like the restaurant was filled of people. It was a great evening, but also an evening that he asked me on a second date - to his sister's wedding just a couple of weeks later.
I worried that he was going too fast because who actually goes to a date's family member's wedding on their second date. I almost backed out before the wedding, but each time I talked to him on the phone after our first date, he was so very excited and let me know how excited he was that I was coming to the wedding and that his family was looking forward to meeting me.
I got a new outfit before the wedding day to wear. At least, if I became uncomfortable among his family members, it wouldn't be that they were thinking that I looked strange or in worn clothes, etc.
The day of the June wedding was wonderful and I enjoyed meeting his family (he had 9 brothers and sisters, although not all of them attended, and they had their own dates or family members). I was a little quiet though because I had been living by myself for a few years and wasn't used to that sort of a crowd of folks...especially being thrown into someone's personal wedding event. They did make me feel at home though, although it wasn't apparent clearly to them at the time - because they weren't used to someone being on the quiet side around them. Hee hee!
After the wedding though, my beau started calling me less and less. I was busy taking biotech courses that summer though while working fulltime on the hotline and involved with other activities. Because I didn't want to rush into anything, too, I wasn't worried about him not calling me too much. Either I wasn't a good fit with him and his family - or, he was just as busy during the summer.
It wasn't until his birthday came around in October that I actually heard from him again. He told me that he really missed me and would love for me to come to his birthday party. It was a good thing that I decided to go to his birthday party because he later told me that was when he decided that he had fallen in love with me and my blue eyes. In fact, to this day, he uses that date (October 4th) as our anniversary date -- especially since we had lost track of when we actually met on PLENTY OF FISH and talked to other and the date of our first date.
Honestly, though, if we had continued to date during that time, I'm not sure that we would be dating still as it had made me a bit uncomfortable rushing into meeting the family members, etc. so very soon in the relationship.
Right now, it has been over a year and a half that we've been dating each other and he still hasn't met my family, other than my lovely daughter who is very protective about who I date and seems to hate everyone that seems to come between our relationship, at least by her own perception.
If you feel that your dating time is being rushed into a committed relationship, it is okay to back away for a bit. If it is true love, it will be like a boomerang and bounce back, if it is meant to be.
When I met my beau online, the pace was going good. We talked through the dating matching site called PLENTY OF FISH for several weeks, then we made that date. We went to Red Lobster for dinner. He was sooo very nervous. I don't think I have ever made anyone that nervous before. We then went to the Arboretum Park where the ducks were on that summer evening and watched the ducks and geese waddle around in and out of the water that sported some lit spouting fountains. It was beautiful and we had plenty of time to talk one on one out of the way of an environment like the restaurant was filled of people. It was a great evening, but also an evening that he asked me on a second date - to his sister's wedding just a couple of weeks later.
I worried that he was going too fast because who actually goes to a date's family member's wedding on their second date. I almost backed out before the wedding, but each time I talked to him on the phone after our first date, he was so very excited and let me know how excited he was that I was coming to the wedding and that his family was looking forward to meeting me.
I got a new outfit before the wedding day to wear. At least, if I became uncomfortable among his family members, it wouldn't be that they were thinking that I looked strange or in worn clothes, etc.
The day of the June wedding was wonderful and I enjoyed meeting his family (he had 9 brothers and sisters, although not all of them attended, and they had their own dates or family members). I was a little quiet though because I had been living by myself for a few years and wasn't used to that sort of a crowd of folks...especially being thrown into someone's personal wedding event. They did make me feel at home though, although it wasn't apparent clearly to them at the time - because they weren't used to someone being on the quiet side around them. Hee hee!
After the wedding though, my beau started calling me less and less. I was busy taking biotech courses that summer though while working fulltime on the hotline and involved with other activities. Because I didn't want to rush into anything, too, I wasn't worried about him not calling me too much. Either I wasn't a good fit with him and his family - or, he was just as busy during the summer.
It wasn't until his birthday came around in October that I actually heard from him again. He told me that he really missed me and would love for me to come to his birthday party. It was a good thing that I decided to go to his birthday party because he later told me that was when he decided that he had fallen in love with me and my blue eyes. In fact, to this day, he uses that date (October 4th) as our anniversary date -- especially since we had lost track of when we actually met on PLENTY OF FISH and talked to other and the date of our first date.
Honestly, though, if we had continued to date during that time, I'm not sure that we would be dating still as it had made me a bit uncomfortable rushing into meeting the family members, etc. so very soon in the relationship.
Right now, it has been over a year and a half that we've been dating each other and he still hasn't met my family, other than my lovely daughter who is very protective about who I date and seems to hate everyone that seems to come between our relationship, at least by her own perception.
If you feel that your dating time is being rushed into a committed relationship, it is okay to back away for a bit. If it is true love, it will be like a boomerang and bounce back, if it is meant to be.
Friday, January 8, 2010
A Common Question - Where are all the good romantics?
As an advocate on a hotline, oftentimes a common question that is asked -- Where are all the good romantics these days?
It is a good question as our world has indeed evolved from the days that I first started to date in the late 70's to the current day. Internet, for example, wasn't available back then so there was no opportunity to facilitate the world of online dating. You would usually find your dates at common places that you would attend -- school, Church, employment, dorms, bars, and other activities that you might have been involved with (sports, movies, grocery shopping, eating out at a restaurant, and so much more). If you didn't find a person that you were interested in dating through any of these means, sometimes a dear friend would set you up on a date that they perceived would be "perfect" for you. Sometimes, if your dear friend, wasn't as close to you as your bestest of friends, the radar for the perception of what would be perfect for you was off base; therefore, you took a leap of faith whenever you subjected yourself to the famed blind date. Of course, you could go through "speed dating" parties so that you could take a chance in meeting someone new based on quick movement around the room after asking/answering some very quickly posed questions, which could actually land you a risk far better or less than the blind date chance.
I met my first husband through a roommate I had back when I worked at Foleys (nka Macy's) who happened to have been her mother's cousin. She had warned me not to date him because he drank a lot (to the point that he was an alcoholic) but I continued to see him, despite him cheating on me with one of my best friends. My mother discouraged me from dating him, but as I had told them too when I was moving to Austin (and they said, "Everyone would love to move to Austin, but not everyone can), "Watch me!" I was a bit of a rebel back in those days and breaking away from my family home in San Antonio to find myself and my purpose in life. I probably should have listened back then, but that is all hindsight. The best thing that came out of this relationship was my daughter who has grown to a beautiful young lady, who now has a daughter of her own, my precious granddaughter that is also the joy of my life.
A guy that I met after separating from my first husband, I had picked up a personals free publication at the local Circle C (a convenience store back in the day). I learned pretty quick that these folks are deceiving too as one of the ones I met ended up being a guy that pumped up his resume and scammed many gals across the United States. That scammer ended up being an opportunity that led to me about dating in that era by the Red Book magazine. From that point in time, although I wasn't actually scammed like the other women, I learned even more about how to be more protective of my self and learned that the 20 questions wasn't often enough. I learned how to ask more like 200 questions, and sometimes more that were simply rephrased to see if they would trip up on what they said before. If they lied, as a result, it would indicate to me that (if they would lie to me about simple questions), they would lie about most anything.
I met my second husband while out on the town with one of my best friends. Turns out that he was not quite so much of an alcoholic; however, he was involved heavily into drugs. I found that, too, he was a bipolar person that wasn't taking his medication, although he knew that he should be. We went through 4-5 years of a relationship before he hit his breaking point and literally pushed me out of his life forever.
By the time that my third husband came along, internet was getting more and more attention. Yahoo was getting into the swing of things by being ahead of its time by setting up a Yahoo personals online. I met my third husband through Yahoo Personals and about a year later got married. He had never been married before, which was a nice attribute for a change of pace. Unfortunately, he died 2 weeks before our first anniversary. He showed me the gentleness and doting side of men and restored my faith in that men can be good folks. Perhaps, God had positioned us together so that I could have my faith restored in human mankind.
After that, while I would meet men from inquisitions held on the net; however, none of them seemed to have anything but one thing on their mind. Disappointed that, in my forties, men were showing their colors by being focused merrily about sexual relationships, and not meaningful true relationships (that could also include sexual relations) and/or they were married men out on the prowl outside of their marital relationships. It wouldn't be until another approximately 7 years that I would meet someone that I would have never thought I could find happiness in, but has been even more caring (if that could be possible) than the third husband.
Where are all the good romantics, well there might not be a specific place to find them or we would all flock to them immediately; however, the journey leading to a good romantic person can be found. What you need is lots of patience and release your focus upon finding that person. It can be done!
In this blog, I do hope to be able to share with you my journey with this romantic person that I have found, as unlikely as it seemed to be a match for me.
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